Last summer I met a guy at the outdoor pool in the apartment building where I live. Time pass and we saw each other throughout the summer. We really started to hang out in September and it was great. I had butterflies and all the fun feelings I feel when there is someone I am attracted too. I haven’t felt this feeling in such a long time, and I forgot what it was like. He is my usual type of guy, but not always the right type for me. He lives in the same building as me. This is great when you getting to know someone. We would hang out at my place and see some movies. We didn’t have a tittle to what we were to each other.
The guy would be all over the map with how he felt. He would say sweet things, be caring and considerate, but then turn cold. With him being all over the map with how he felt, he would throw me for a loop. I wasn’t the person who I want to be, but I didn’t know how to let go. I knew the signs, but didn’t always want to see them, because I my heart was in deep. To say I was in an emotional roller coaster ride is and understatement. There were times when I was on top of the clouds and other times when I was in tears. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I know I held on for too long and lost who I am. I have to thank my friends who gave me a lot of support, advice (sometimes too blind to see it), shoulders to cry on, some laughter, and always willing to give me a hug. One friend told me to breathe, such simple advice.
I had a heaviness on my chest that I couldn’t get rid of, but I am over that now. There is always a lesson to be learned from our mistakes. I am able to see some of mine this time around. Which are the following:
True friends will find the time to listen to your stories with an open mind. They might not agree with what you are going through. They are willing to guide you, give you advice and be the strongest support when you are down. What I did this time around was thank my friends for being there for me. I know that many of my friend are going through many situations in their own lives. I made an effort to ask them about their lives as well. I sent kind messages to friends via Facebook Messenger and written notes as well. Just to let them know that I treasure them.
I lost my worth for a while, but with each day I am getting it back. When I was younger and into my teens I was bullied. I never felt that I fit in, and due to that I try to please the wrong people. I have been looking for approval from guys, because I never felt good enough. I don’t need approval from anyone. I am good enough, strong, passionate, emotional, loving and willing to help others who are in need. I have been able to live on my own for some time now, and that should be enough. I am surrounded my people who truly love me. No guy can give me love or happiness, until I can completely give it to myself. I don’t need approval from anyone, because I am living a good life.
Lust can be very blinding, because I have a deep attraction for a guy. I am on top of the world, have butterflies for this guy, we are having a good time. Lust doesn’t have staying power, there isn’t a deep enough of a bond when it comes to this feeling. The guys that I lust for are not people I can see as a friend down the road. Lust can throw be off-balance, then the doubt comes in. Never a good sign. I tend to hold on longer than I should, due to the what ifs. There have been guys who have cheated on me, not committed or say all the things I like to hear to keep me around. I need to listen to my intuition next time. It never lies. I need to speak up.
I am moving in the right path right now. Each day I must count my blessing and be forgiving towards myself. No more negative voices. I must embrace the woman I am, because I have been through a lot and keep on bouncing back.
Until next time have a wonderful day.